


like a sea

by beforemidnight



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Love Confessions, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-24
Updated: 2020-09-24
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:00:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26631019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beforemidnight/pseuds/beforemidnight
Summary: Taeyong owes it to Johnny, to himself, and to his peace of mind to finally confess his feelings.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung, Lee Taeyong/Suh Youngho | Johnny, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Kudos: 19





	like a sea

**Author's Note:**

> Like a Sea 바다처럼 - Dasutt

It’s a little over 10:30 when the overwhelming influx of alcohol starts coming. A bottle of blue Johnny Walker gifted by Jaehyun is being passed around preceded by numerous shots of vodka, and a few questionable looking cocktails requested by Donghyuck. Taeyong looks at the table in front of him with a grimace. He’s not really much of a drinker. Not only is he a lightweight but he just has never once enjoyed the bitterness in alcohol. There’s already so much headache he gets in running his kitchen, he’d rather not have a pounding head because of something he doesn’t even enjoy in the first place. That’s why Taeyong is nursing his coke in his hand, swirling the glass as if it’s the finest wine in town. 

“Hey, are you okay?” Johnny asks beside him. Taeyong doesn’t realize he’s been fixated on his coke until Johnny spoke.

“Don’t think too much about me, John. This is supposed to be your night,” Taeyong reassures him with a timid smile. 

But Taeyong is not okay— far from it actually. An upcoming critic from the city is coming to the restaurant and he’s been racking his brain for the perfect menu to serve. He’s actually really thankful for his suis chef, Chungha, for taking over the kitchen for the night.

They’re in one of the more private corners of the bar but there’s only so much the couch and thin walls could do to block the noise booming from the main dancefloor and the suffocating lack of ventilation. In their table sits Taeyong beside Johnny, Johnny’s cousin Donghyuck, Mark, and in front of them, Jaehyun, Doyoung and Taeil. 

Taeyong is a little grateful that Johnny only invited his closest friends and by association Taeyong’s closests friends as well. He doesn’t think he’d survive a night with alcohol, too much noise, and awkward acquaintances in his current state. He kind of feels bad. This is supposed to be Johnny’s night. He’s supposed to be a supportive best friend and make this the best night of Johnny’s life but instead he’s all nerves and anxious thoughts.

Donghyuck comes back from his trip to the restroom and drags Mark to dance. Doyoung is checking his phone on his hand while his other arm is wrapped around Jaehyun. Jaehyun on the other hand who’s looking a little pink but still very much sober chats up with Taeil about the stock market.

“Do you want to get some fresh air outside?” Johnny offers.

Taeyong is about to decline but Johnny is already standing up from his seat and lending his hand to him.

Here’s the thing, Taeyong is a good person or he likes to think that he is. He gave Doyoung advice when he was confused whether Jaehyun wanted something serious out of whatever fuckbuddies situation they got themselves in 5 years ago. He always brings Taeil food whenever his friend gets too lost in his work and forgets to eat. So, when he sees Johnny’s hand in front of him, his face all sort of warm, calm and reassuring, Taeyong wants to rip his hair out, scream, or down what remains of the Johnny Walker. He wants to do anything to stop the ache in his chest and the rattle of his bones. Taeyong thinks this will be the last time he’ll be selfish with Johnny. He takes a deep breath and takes his hand.

🥃

“I’m really sorry for ruining your bachelor party, John. I don’t know what’s up with me.” 

They’re both leaning against the wall just beside the back door of the club. Taeyong can still feel the reverberation inside. There is a lingering stench of cigarette smoke in the air.

Johnny looks down at him and smiles. “Cmon yong, it’s literally just us friends. It’s no big deal.”

“Besides, I actually really wanted to check up on you. You’ve been distant for the past couple of weeks. The only updates I get about you is from Doyoung. I miss you, man,” Johnny continues.

Taeyong runs his hand through his hair. He thinks he’ll die if he doesn’t say anything else. He’s been a coward, an absolute idiot, and according to Doyoung’s colorful vocabulary: really fucking pathetic. 

Taeyong owes it to Johnny, to himself , and to his peace of mind to finally confess his feelings. It’s been 10 years.

And it’s not like he’s expecting anything in return. Johnny is getting married for christ’s sake. Taeyong has long past accepted the fact that his best friend will never love him the way he does. 

So Taeyong whose head is tipped upwards, finally looks at the man beside him. He allows himself to memorize the softness of Johnny’s hair, the lips he has dreamed of touching since the first time Johnny smiled at him back in high school, the slant of his jaw. He’s just sad he can’t look at his eyes right now. That has always been his favorite to look at. Taeyong wonders what makes Johnny’s eyes shine, he bets stars could find a home there. 

He wonders if Johnny ever felt even a fraction of what he’s feeling for him or for anyone else for that matter. Because for Taeyong, even if the world decides to end right now, he won’t even budge. Maybe it’s better for his existence to cease than to lose Johnny to somebody else. 

Maybe Taeyong is not a good person after all.

Taeyong knows that Johnny loves Hyeri. If there’s one thing he’s discovered about his best friend through their 10 year friendship is that Johnny loves like he's running out of time, like if he doesn’t give his everything, people would leave him. Taeyong sees the way he looks at her. Maybe, he’s just not ready to finally let him go. 

Johnny is looking at the fading poster of some rock band that came into town last month. His hands are both in the pockets of his pants. Tonight, the stars are accompanying the moon as it illuminates the sky.

“Johnny,” he whispers, looking up at his best friend— _ the love of his life. _

Johnny glances down at him. There it is, that smile.

Taeyong lets his head fall. He feels his heart break. “I love you,” he whispers. He doesn’t notice the tears finally streaming down his face.

“I’m in love with you.” He gulps, feeling thorns threatening to break his throat apart. He chuckles at himself. He laughs at his stupidity. He doesn’t wipe away his tears. He doesn’t think he can look at him right in the eye anymore.

“I’m not expecting you to do anything. You’re getting married and I wouldn’t want to destroy your future with Hyeri, John. But, it hurts. It hurts. Here.” Taeyong points at his heart.

“And I had to let you know before I let you go.” 

He doesn’t hear anything after that. Just the rustle of empty plastic bottles on the street. Johnny isn’t saying anything. So Taeyong musters up the courage and looks up. 

Taeyong thinks he has never seen Johnny like this before. There are tears threatening to spill from his eyes. His jaw clenched. His hands fisted in his side. 

“I’m so sorry John I–“

Johnny interrupts him, “Remember 2 years ago, when you were having a date with Jongin and I came crashing to your place, drunk and had to make Doyoung and Jaehyun pick me up.”

Of course Taeyong remembers. Taeyong was about to leave for his dinner with his then boyfriend Jongin, but he was surprised to hear Johnny knocking on his front door, drunk out of his mind. He remembers because he was ready to cancel his night and take care of his best friend but Doyoung came in shouting and made Taeyong leave. He sometimes thinks of what would have happened if he didn’t leave. If he made Doyoung go home and let Johnny stay in his arms.

“That was the night I promised to myself that I was finally letting you go,” Johnny answers.

He continues, “ I was too in love with you, you know. I couldn’t stand Jongin. I hated Songhyun. I hated everyone who made you smile other than me. I couldn’t stand the fact that you loved them and not me and I just, I knew that if I wanted to continue having you in my life, I needed to learn how to love you, not like how I did, because loving you is consuming Yong. You owned all of me and you never even had any idea that you did. I had to learn how to love you without having my heart broken everytime I see you with someone else.”

Taeyong feels his stomach drop and his heart stop. 

“I didn’t know,” Taeyong says.

“And I never told you.” Johnny admits.

Taeyong bites his lips so hard he might have tasted blood. He lets his heart talk before thinking.

“When we were in high school, Hanjin ditched me for his ex girlfriend. You came running towards me with a bag of tomatoes. You said we can throw them at his car. We never did. But we got drunk on the playground and looked at the stars all night,” Taeyong starts.

“Is that when you knew you liked me?”

“No. I knew I loved you the moment you asked for my name in 11th grade in Korean and told me it’s okay if my english wasn’t good and you would help me with everything I needed.”

“That night, I realized how lucky anyone would be to be loved by you,” Taeyong sadly smiles.

Johnny smiles at the statement and wipes Taeyong’s tears.

“I’m sorry I was too much of a coward to tell you,” Johnny admits.

“I’m sorry for being too scared of losing you to risk it,” Taeyong answers back.

“But, I’m always gonna love you, Taeyong. There will never be a part of me that doesn’t love you. You have to know that.” Taeyong sees tears now shining on Johnny's cheeks.

“And I promise that I will always be your best friend. You will never lose me, John.” Taeyong says.

“You and Hyeri will build a beautiful life together. I know it. Little Herin will be lucky to have the both of you as parents. He’ll get to grow up having an amazing father. I’ll always be there for you and your family.” Johnny turns back at him and sobs in his hands. 

Taeyong wipes his eyes with his hand and tries to stop more tears from falling. He gathers up his strength and hugs Johnny’s back. 

He can still hear Johnny’s tiny whimpers. Johnny turns and hugs Taeyong properly. Taeyong finds home in Johnny’s embrace. He wraps his hands around his neck, borrowing his head in the crevice of his chest. He indulges himself for one last time.

“I can’t wait for Herin to be born. When she’s old enough, I’ll take her to the restaurant and teach her how to cook,” Taeyong says, extracting himself from Johnny’s arms. He tries his best to smile.

“She’ll be lucky to have you in her life Taeyong,” Johnny whispers. They’re still close. Awfully close. Johnny is looking at him, just him and Taeyong thinks of getting rid of that distance, of finally admitting defeat to himself. He only needs to step closer.

“Taeyong where — ” They both jump at the sound of the door being open. Doyoung steps out and sees them. 

“Hey. I think Donghyuck is vomiting his guts out in the front door. We need to leave.” Doyoung crosses his arm.

“Yeah, we were just about to come in,” Taeyong replies.

“Oh okay. Just finish it quickly, yeah? Whatever it is before it’s too late.” Doyoung doesn’t wait for their reply and closes the door.

“We should go,” Taeyong suggests. He closes his eyes and shakes his head a bit.

“Wait,” Johnny mutters when Taeyong is about to open the door.

“What?” Taeyong answers.

But before Johnny could say anything, his phone began to ring. He sees the man pick up the phone. “Hey, Hyeri-ah, how’s our baby?” Taeyong hears Johnny talk on the phone. 

“I’m sorry, ” Johnny silently mouths to him, his phone still in his ear. Taeyong looks at his best friend smiling as he talks to his soon to be wife about their baby. 

Taeyong snatches a quick glance to the sky before he finally closes the door. He thinks of the same memory he had with him all those years ago, when there was nothing else that matters besides the two of them. Once upon a time there was only Johnny and Taeyong. 

He sees the sky and the moon being enveloped by the stars. He thinks for tonight, this is enough. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> hello hello. here i am writing johnyong angst that no one asked for instead of doing my readings #lovethat.
> 
> like always please let me know what you think in the comments :) 
> 
> scream at me about nct2020 on twitter: @neyowculture


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